Failing Reality
by KINGalbuurt and GODsebastian
Summary: Has anyone read the atrocious fanfictions of Tara Gilesbie? Well this is a blatant mockery and parody of My Immortal! "Wel baskalli a seen gurl fallz in luv wit Harry but den findz owt hez hur siblin n leevs em 4 Draco." REMEMBER BOYS AND GIRLS, NO PREPZ!
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** Hay Sebastian hurr, I decided to Revamp chapter one into the style of all the other chapters.

So enjoy a revamped version of "Failing Reality"

This still wont be as funny as the 4 chapters after it. XD

**Warnings:** There are way to many to bother listing off, its rate M for a reason people. Dx

–

Getting on the train that was always fun. It was possibly the biggest death trap ever, ever, ever. Hogwarts train was filled with annoying little scene fucks and goffz, and of course the golden trio, the golden trio, three kids known for their golden showers and bad taste in well. . . everything.

But enough about those idiots this story isn't about them, not one bit. It's about her. And her faggot for a twin brother Alexei. Bridgette and Alexei Cheverie are a token Mary-sue and token homosexual male character that of course have deep dark pasts and will some how and in some way be related to Harry Potter through some trippy method of time travel or some faggotry that involves fucking up any theory about the space and time continuum.

Now that you all know about that lets actually get into the story.

Totally skipping the boring train ride that didn't have the new kids on the train because everyone knows that new students fly in on fucking rainbow coloured Pegasus' all shinny and sparkly and make a grand entrance that involves explosions and a warning of horrible awful things to come.

And that's exactly how it fucking happened too, we were all sitting around at our tables watching Dumbledore stumble around drunk out of his mind telling off all the Hogwarts staff and even a few of the students, he crawled up to Neville and grabbed onto his pant leg and asked

"Mr. Longbottom, why do you have three legs." Neville didn't know what to say, all he did was sit there and stare at the drunk headmaster before replying

"I don't sir." Dumbledore didn't believe him that was obvious but he didn't press the matter any further. He then made his way over to the stage and stood up to introduce the new professor

"Everyone this is Professor Rankin, she will be the new defence against the dark arts teacher" He pointed to her, she stood up and she stood there waving her blonde hair sparkling, literally sparkling, as she went to sit down she tripped and face planted into the table causing the entire great hall to laugh the new professor started to cry and she ran out of the room forgetting her sparkly aura.

After this Dumbledore decided to introduce us to the new students, the flew in on their gay little Pegasus' the dismounted them and strutted up to the stage where the sorting hat awaited them, the boy was first, he sat down like a little princess on their throne and waited for the hat to be placed onto his head and waited to be sorted the hat started to speak to him mentally like it does and Alexei suddenly screamed out and dropping the hat on the floor.

"What te fuck it talks?" He shouted like he'd never seen a talking hat before, the hat glared at him before screaming out the house he was to be sorted into

"SLYTHERIN!" The entire Slytherin table was silent, none of them knew what to think, the great hall was so quiet in fact that you could hear filch in the next room raping Miss Norris. Alexei left the stage walking down to his new house and sitting there, the sound of crickets became very audible and this pissed off Dumbledore seeing as his buzz had worn off and he now had a bit if a hangover, he waved his wand causing all the crickets to literally explode after that he beckoned for Bridgette to come sit on the stool.

She walked up her robes flowing and her long blonde hair as perfect as every other photoshopped scene girls hair, she batted her eyelashes and flaunted her gooey brown eyes before smiling like she had a million times before in the mirror at home, practising to get it right. She also danced and sung naked in the mirror every night but that's another story. Anyway her smile caused every teenage boy in the great hall to ejaculate all over everything leaving the great hall floor coated with teenage sex and making the entire hall wreak and a few people faint.

She sat there clearly happy that every girl was jealous of her and every boy wanted to do her, with that she waited to be sorted into a house. . .

–

To Be Continued.

READ AND REVIEW. D8


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** _Oh mai, a second chapter? Already? My godness!_

_I apologize for the severe difference from chapter one. Co-writing is so much fun. _

**Disclaimer:**_ In case someone actually someday will get sued from writing fan fictions we'll just add that we actually don't own these characters. They're copyright of blahblahblah something something J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros._

* * *

The moment the hat was placed on her godless like head, the whole crowd in front of her grew silent. Bridgette blinked confusedly - she expected a voice in her head. The hat was supposed to talk in her head, wasn't it.

Suddenly she heard a voice that made her utter a gasp that made every male in the room wanting to saddle a horse and go and slay dragons.

The hat was talking in her head, its dull old voice said:

"Bridgette Cheverie, oh, how I've been waiting for you!", the hat whispered.

The girl's blue eyes glistered in surprise and she mumbled under her breath.

"How do you know my name?"

The hat snickered with a mouth that didn't really exist, except in the movies.

"You poor girl, you know nothing about your past! You are in fact Harry Po-."

In that moment the hat was hastily removed from the honey blonde chestnut brown raven black hair by a boy – completely irrelevant to the story – and thrown on the floor. He stomped on the hat with hatred in his destruction, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like the words "not again".

McGonagall flew up from her seat and pulled away the boy from the frightened girl and the smashed hat. A pair of trolls (see, cause Hogwarts have security guards. Get it, "trolls", lawlz!1) dragged away the boy who kicked and struggled with every piece of power he could manage.

"I TRIED TO STOP IT, I TRIED TO, DO YOU HEAR THAT! I TRIED TO STOP THE MADNESS".

The insane laughter could be heard when the big trolls, that looked exactly like deformed versions of Bill and Tom Kaulitz, dragged the boy along the floor out of the Great Hall.

"Who was that?" Bridgette asked confused, with a sudden thick southern French accent.

McGongall, who was hitting the ON and OFF switch on the hat repeatedly without any result, looked up. With a sigh she put down the hat on floor, kicked it a little and dried her sweaty forehead with the back of arm on her robe.

"Oh, no one!" she said with a nervous giggle and looked around.

Brigdette flashed one of her charming smiles and the whole hall awed. Most of the male students grasped their crotches and the girls fawned jealously.

Dumbledore twisted his short Chaplin moustache. He was quite fond of his new way of shaving.

"There are no other way to decide this than to gather a meeting with all the teachers and Ms Cheverie. She's a special case, since the hat isn't obviously working.." He gave the dead hat an uneasy look, while McGonagall once again kicked it bitterly. ".. she'll have to be sorted into a house by the teachers."

The whole hall gasped and stared at her big green eyes. She smiled and blushed, pushing away her blonde hair out of her big brown horse eyes.

She was just about to speak, when …

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**  
(t.b.c)**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** Yes, Chapter Three is already complete!! Aren't we fantastic.

**Warning: **Read chapter one, I'm too lazy to write them all out again.

**Disclaimer:** I highly doubt were gonna get sue'd for writing this nonsense by JK or WB, were more likely to get our asses sue'd by Tara "Enoby" Gellespi.

* * *

**A FACE?**

Yes that's right a face, suddenly a floating face appeared in front of Bridgette and eyed her up and down and snorted bitterly.

"This is what token sue's look like these days?" What the face said caused Bridgette to blink in a confused manner she gazed at the face thinking it was very familiar, she squinted her vomit coloured eyes at the face and started to speak with her perfect feminine and all around sexy voice that caused every heterosexual male and homosexual female's noses to bleed.

"Sir, my names not Sue..." She said the face seemed enraged by this for it turned bright red and steam came out of what one would think is the ears.

"HOW DARE YOU YOUNG LADY! DO I LOOK LIKE A MAN?" The face screamed in her face, Bridgette blinked again and looked at the face closer before realizing the identity of the image before her.

"Oh! Hi mom!" She chirped happily flashing her smile again.

"Hi honey, how is your first day of school." The face cooed before scanning the audience

"It's been good!!3874!#&!!, They're about to sort me!!" She stated flipping her hair over her shoulder again causing more then one male in the audience to fall out of where they were sitting.

"Now dear, be careful. I don't want you getting around with any bad people." The face said floating over to the headmaster and regurgitating an obvious bribe, she clearly cared more about her daughter then her son.

With that the face suddenly vanished having run out of minutes on her face transmission plan, probably because she was using most of her minutes transmitting herself to Remus Lupins house to watch him in the shower. After that scene Dumbledore stood again, and walked towards the podium once more he then spoke

"You may all go to your assigned common rooms and dormitories, all except you Ms. Cheverie, please come to my office." With that all the professors stood up and walked out of the door on the side of the stage and everyone in the great hall started to stand and it erupted once more in chatter.

Bridgette slowly followed the professors to Dumbledores office where she was met by all the prying eyes of the professors, right as she entered the room they all erupted in speech, Bridgette just stood there blinking, entirely confused by what they were saying.

"Enough, Bridgette is going to be in Gryffindor." Dumbledore hollered over all the other professors.

"I take it you can look after her, Minerva." He said to Mcgonagall slapping her ass before taking a swig of the fire whiskey in his other hand.

"O-Of course I can, Albus." Minerva said flinching as he took another swig of his drink before slamming the glass down on his desk and pushing her up against it.

"Albus, I suggest you keep your bedroom scenes private." A greasy black haired man interjected giving Bridgette a look up and down thoroughly disgusted, he waved his wand turning her normal robes into that of the Gryffindor ones.

"Oh, er, yes maybe." He said stumbling away from Mcgonagall.

"Ms. Cheverie, you can go to you dormitory now." Snape said sharply waving her off.

"Oh, okay." The girl said batting her eyelashes and flicking her ebony hair with purple highlights and red tips (lol, Ebony "Enoby" Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way) back behind her shoulder once more, she then tore off her school uniform leaving her decked out in clothes from a North American goth retail store, wearing a disgusting leather mini skirt and corset with neon pink lace and Hello Kitty pattern, she also wore trashy neon pink fishnet stockings and torn up ripped leather boots, the whole outfit was only completed by the cut marks that marred her snow white skin from her wrists up to her elbows. (C'uz shez goffik)

Bridgette then skipped away in a very depressed manner towards her new house.

By the time she arrived at her dormitory, having stopped only once to gawk at a certain timid Gryffindors bulge in his pants, she then stopped at the fat lady, she hadn't asked for the password, she stood there for a second pondering what it could possibly be and then chirped out

"VAMPIRE!!" the fat lady swung open, and as if it were magic when she walked through the door she was magically in her Gryffindor robes again, she walked in and everyone in the common room stared at her, she smiled at them all her teeth actually twinkling in her mouth and her red eyes sparkling bright yellow she introduced herself to the entire common room, her spanish accent extremely prominent.

"Hi, I'm Bridgette Cheverie! I'm a sexually active 17 year old girl who loves getting wasted and doing anal on the weekends, I'm severely bulimic and can't eat anything without automatically throwing it up 3 minutes later, I'm always the center of attention and I'm told I have a horrible awful past that I must never remember." She flashed her smile again and twirled her white blonde and black hair in her tan finger. This caused at least half of the common rooms population to faint and Bridgette to giggle softly, with that she skipped towards her dormitory removing her clothes and tossing them on the floor on the way.

"Oh, by the way, you" she said pointing at Lavender Brown and Romilda Vane. "I expect you to be my posse and to carry around all my bags and do my dirty work." she said smiling once more before trudging up the stairs.

As she entered the dorm room suddenly she heard a scream come from the bathroom, she ran over to the bathroom door and tried to open it, fumbling and taking a long period of time like they do in the horror movies, when she finally got the door open she entered the bathroom to see. . .

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**To Be Continued.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:**_ Eh. Yeah. I think I actually have fever? So, that I even managed to that concentrated enough to write this is .. amazing. Grammar mistakes, spelling faults, extremely bad plot - yes, I'm sorry._

**Disclaimer:**_ Ahahahahaha, Tara wouldn't even have the literacy to be able to file a law suit towards us, even if she wanted? Btw, no, we don't know Kurt Cobain, the bassist of Fall Out Boy or Gerard Way. Even though, I wouldn't say no to Kurt Cobain..._

**I dedicate this chapter to Jerry.**

* * *

Normally the bathroom was occupied by Ebony and Whateverherfacewas, cutting themselves gothically and sexily.

But not this time.

After a whole lot of trembling and gasping, with sweaty palm on the doorknob and sexy gasping, she was completely worn out.

She flipped her bubblegum pink hair over the shower and sighed with pouted lips as she started to unlace her Hello Kitty corset.

The whole world seemed to stop.

"Ginny, you cunt, see – this is why we have problems!" a female voice said angrily from the bathroom. A bitchslap was heard.

Bridgette looked confused into the bathroom only to find two girls, half naked, were of one of them was staring at her with an open mouth.

The short redhead, who was lying underneath the skinny girl with the bushy hair, flustered and pushed the girl of her.

"Well, if you weren't so unskilled at what you do I wouldn't have to stare at other people", she snapped back.

Brigette just blinked with her honey colored eyes and backed off.

Token mary sue or not, but she wouldn't even touch that with a five feet long pole. Half naked dykes in a school bathroom wasn't anything one should get involved with. Ever.

Not believing what her innocent eyes had seen (come on, we all know that if you have anal sex you're still a virgin and therefore you're still innocent, amirite?) she sobbing stepped away.

What would her parents say?

Should she tell the teachers?

Why aren't lesbos as pretty irl as they are in porn?

Mary Su-, I mean, Brigette was wired up in her own confusion.

Not seeing where she went, blinding by her own tears of carbonated water with a slight taste of lemon (she wasn't gothic enough to cry blood) she didn't see who she bumped into.

"I'm sorry", she sniffled with a very thick Russian accent, and sounded like something from a phone sex commercial that they send after 9PM at your local tv channel.

"It's okay", a sexy and husky voice said.

She looked up. If Kurt Cobain would come back to life, have sex with the bassist of Fall Out Boy, who'd later date Gerard Way and had a kid with him, and that kid later would have drastic plastic surgery and fan fiction authors would stop mixing in pop culture with wizard fan fictions – well, then the person in front of her would totally look like the biggest retard you'd ever seen.

It was …. ….. …. …. …. Harry Potter.

He was wearing an I heart emo tshirt, and his black totally flat and oh so very uncannon hair was hanging down in his green sad eyes.

Bridgette almost had an orgy on the spot. Yes, that is in fact a synonym for "orgasm".

"Who are you?" she exclaimed and posed gothically.

"I'm Harry Potter. I like to watch moves, take long walks on the beach, and cut myself to Panic at the disco", he said depressed, flipped his hair out of his eyes and revealed extremely bad make up.

To the point of that, it looked like someone had scribbled something over the famous scar with a black shar--.

"Hey, is that a sharpie?" she asked and poked his forehead.

He flailed away from him, looking extremely defensive.

"No, it's not!", he snapped.

In that moment a girl passed them, holding a cigarette. Brigdette recognised her as the taller one of the naked dyke.

"Shut up, Harry", Hermoine Granger said and took a deep inhale from her cigarette. "You are not a fucking unique snowflake."

At these words the green eyes got filled with tears and the hero's lower lip trembled. He hid his face in his hands and Brigette reached out to touch his shoulder, about to offer him some good ol' anal sex in an empty bathroom.

"NO ONE FUCKING UNDERSTANDS ME!", he screamed, completely uncalled for and ran away, wailing his hands in a very feminine way as he went.

Hermione looked after him, putting out some ash towards Brigette's corset, making one of the Hello Kitty head wonderfully disfigured.

"Sometimes I question his sexuality", she said cheerfully, adjusted her shirt which was inside out, and left.

With all this in her head she exhaustedly dumped down on her bed a few moments later, hugging her My Little Pony pillow. This day had been far too action filled than it ought to be.

Shrugging she realized it didn't actually matter, since she actually was Harry Potter's long lost twin sister, Dumbledore's daughter, Sirus' girlfriend and Draco's mother through time travelling.

Really, she had no problems in the world.

She laid down and took a deep sigh, spreading her golden blonde hair over the pillow, making her look like an angel. Soon she had fallen asleep, totally oblivious of the shadow standing in front of her, lifting a ….

* * *

**(t.b.c)**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:** OH SHI- CHAPTUUUUR FIVEEEEEEEEEEE.

D8

**Warning:** Don't drink anything while reading, or eat anything Albert and I will not be held responsible for anyone choking and dying while reading this fanfic.

**Disclaimer:** olawl, alby ur rite, thars no wai she cud evar sue us, sidez shes goffik she'd jus' cut 'ersalf.

**THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO BEN. D8**

olololol, see whut I did thar?

–

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-

A oversized plush toy, like in every classic horror movie she stirred in her sleep and her eyes fluttered open she looked up and screamed in horror above her stood a very angry Enoby. Bridgette blinked and stared at the other sue before turning over in her bed and falling asleep again, this angered the illiterate goff and she let out a miserable wail before tearing apart the plush toy and throwing it to the ground letting it bleed out her blood.

"HAO DAAER YEW!?" She shrieked again before spinning around on her heels and walking out of the door tripping on the first step and falling down the entire flight of stairs. When she stood up the sue's face was magically fixed and she didn't actually look half bad... oh wait, sorry she just wasn't wearing makeup.

The tumbling and crashing woke token sue Bridgette up from her slumber and she shuffled down the steps just in time to see Enoby flee the Gryffindor dormitory, curiously she followed her wearing nothing but a see through cotton white night gown (How predictable) She didn't walk far before she heard a male scream.

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY VALTREX, I KNOW YOU TOOK IT BITCH!" (Valtrex is herpes medication) Fellow scene kid Draco Malfoy said screaming at Enoby before backhanding her so hard her porcelain skin cracked and she shattered into a million tiny pieces. Bridgette eyed the extremely OOC Draco with her cyan chocolate eyes, she quite liked his wisped hair with the bad dye job and his tight skinny jeans and Fall out boy tee. She flipped her bad hair extensions back and batted her fake eyelashes acting like a 47 year old cougar.

Draco smiled flirtatiously back and drew a heart in the dust that was Enoby with his foot before walking over to her, he grabbed her chin and kissed her messily and sloppily his lipstick smearing all over her face, he went about sucking on her nose until suddenly he was pushed to the ground by one Alexei Cheverie who then turned to his sister and said in a really flamboyant manner

"Bridgette! You like totally know better then to be like letting guys like him totally get up all on you like that, what would daddykins say?" He watched his centre of attention twin sister giggle and pout her lips

"You know daddykins loves watching me." She smiled her trademark sue smile causing Draco to start 'masticating' on the floor beside them, because Draco secretly has a fetish for teeth.

What she said caused a gasp from the corner and Harry emerge from behind a statue his clown paint smeared down his face he looked like he had been crying his wrists were bleeding slightly, suddenly Draco laughed at him and said

"Been crying about how your second cousin three times removed hacked into your gaia account and stole all your items, god Potter, you're so emo." This caused Harry to sob and wail and pick up an enchanted squirrel slashing his wrists with it, for some bizarre reason while he did this Fall out boy music played in the background and a bunch of retarded scene/emo kids started hardcore dancing in the corridor.

Suddenly there was a screech and all the pathetic little scene/emo fucks fled the corridor leaving everything as it was. Sue turned around and walked away leaving the three boys in her wake, she decided she'd send Lavender and Romilda back down to deal with what was going on, she walked up the stairs to her dorm where a black coffin with hot pink lace and velvet on the inside lay where her bed once was, curiously and in black and white she walked towards the coffin and opened it slowly building up suspense suddenly a disfigured Enoby. . . oh wait sorry she was wearing makeup now, jumped out of the coffin. Bridgette moved to the side and Enoby stumbled tripping over her torn up goff boots and tripping and falling in a bathtub conveniently filled with holy water she shrieked happily

"OMG NO WAI IUM FIUNALLIE DIYIN EET TUUK YEW LONNGURZZ NUFF" Of course in a total twist of fate the bathtubs contents filled with blood leaving her alive and perfectly well. When Enoby realized she wasn't dying she moaned out in a depressed manner and put her thingy into her you-know-what and did herself like any hermaphrodite would. This scared our token sue and she fled up to the astronomy tower for she no longer wanted to lived, she spread her arms out and jumped off the ledge but half way to her death her robe caught on Neville Longbottom's abnormally large boner that was protruding out of a window, when Bridgette realized what she was caught on she became so sexually overwhelmed she fainted.

She awoke later in a dark room when she sat up she was dressed in a goffik lolita dress (Yes she's fucking Jfaggy now too.) She looked over to see a weeabo jfaggy moron who called himself Riku or some variation of that sitting in the corner eyeing her with distaste for you see he didn't like Token sue because she was far better looking in the dress, it just made him look fat. Suddenly she realized she was chained to the bed and started to struggle she then choked on a puff of smoke that was blown in her general direction from a certain dyke chain smoker.

Hermione took a puff of her cheap cigarette before eyeing Bridgette, the sue's eyes widened in horror when. . .

-

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–

TBC

READ AND FUCKING REVIEW. D8


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:**_ Yeah, I don't have a fever anymore. And holy sh-. A new chapter? Already? We're insane.  
At a note, I'm actually not very happy with this chapter? However, enjoy._

**Disclaimer:**_ tare dun sue us bcoz ur goffik we geddit :(  
_**  
BEN & JERRY, OLOL.  
I see what you did thurr.  
**

* * *

When Hermione said, with a very dykeish voice (yes, I did just do that).

"How dare you just stomp in our perfect little universe, you little piece of maggot", she said, and then she chuckled, twisting a tint of brown hair between her long and pale fingers.

Then she recognized the shape of Riku in the corner.

"What the hell are you doing here, didn't you go to Japan?", she snapped and threw a deadly glance at the obvious non-asian kid.

She knew she had actually stolen the dress from him, to dress up the magnificent big-cheasted Mary Sue in. How long would he hold that against her?

The boy's lip quivered for a moment, but then he went back to his default look of arrogance.

"Bitches better recognize", he wheezed. A moment later a black hissing shadow flew from nowhere and landed on his half-tacky styled head.

Waving like a maniac the boy tried to get the thing off his head, feeling claws going for his eyes.

But his hands could only grasp black fur.

In a tumble of panic, a demonic cat and J-faggotry the bundle of joy disappeared out of the dorms and down the long winding stairs.

Still today no one knew who the kid was, and still no one know what happened to him and why the hell he was supposed to make an appearance here.

With a vicious grin Hermione turned her attention to the tied up girl once again, while she put out her cigarette towards the Hannah Montana sheet.

"Ginnykins never let me try bondage on her", she explained almost with a loving voice and climbed onto the bed.

Bridgette's big rainbow eyes looked at her in horror, tears was overflowing in them, smudging out the mascara and the bright red lip stick, making her look like a cheap prostit- … wait, no, that was a cheap prostitute.

"Aint ya gonna pay me for this?" the woman with the wart on her nose said and adjusted her hips towards the bed where she was tied up. "I hope ya don't mind some herpes, heard that boy was using Valtrax, that's some good shit".

Hermione let out a scream of angry frustration and looked around.

Bridgette was standing prepily in the doorway, holding a lasso in her hand. Her red lips were smiling in triumph.

"In the last chapter I also forgot to mention that I'm the retarded adopted step-sister of Houdini and John Wayne!", she said with a coy grin before she took the time and ran down the stairs.

Running in her perfect little shoes of glass, swinging her lasso (because Albert was awfully bored), it was pretty doomed that she'd fall.

We have all seen this scenes - the scrip authors try they best to be funny, and they try to hard, and then it end up in just horrid slap stick. Like this.

But we, we do it creatively.

As she ran down the obviously really long stairs, she felt her heel of glass puncture something. She looked down and saw something green and gooey underneath it.

The sudden turn of her pretty little head made her not see where she sat down her other foot, and solemnly she just missed the step.

Head over heels she tumbled down, hitting and bruising her fair skin as she went.

Of course she did this is a very tasteful manner.

A few moments later she stood up, with very untidy raven black hair and took a few drunken steps.

"Why the hell does all these stair have to be to freaking long?", she complained.

It was always like that when she fell, the stairs never seemed to end.

It was her curse. Well, her curse except the one where she saw the future, could read people's mind, and "OMG, I see dead people" (except that everyone saw them too) and the fact that she was a nymphomaniac.

Sighing she went and sat down in one of the blood red armchairs in front of the fireplace and rested her perfect red haired head against her pale and feminine hand.

The fireplace was soothing to look at, even though it did look like it was a head in there, with a video tape. Staring at her .. watching her very move ..

Soon she fell into the magical world of the Sandman, who took the time to jizz on her face before he left.

It was a pretty sight, of the sleeping girl. And everyone came in their pants when they saw her the next morning, sleeping all peacefully with drool hanging down her cheek.

Feeling a hand shake her shoulder, she was brought out of her sleep. It was light outside, and the sun shone into the common room, painting it all in a very LSD shade of yellow.

Gracefully she wiped of the drool and white substance on her face and smiled charmingly, causing moans from behind her.

"Good morning", she said cheerfully.

But then she saw who had woken her up. She put her hands for her mouth and screamed high pitched, causing glass to break in Wisconsin and a man to beat his wife.

It was …

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**  
(t.b.c)**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** OHLAWLCHAPTUURSEVENZ.

Disclaimer: yah tare dun sue us. we meen no harrum and wur knawt prepz.

ICE CREAM. 8D DATS YUMMEH SHIET, RITE, RITE?

**PS:** BITCHES OWE ME TWENTY DOLLA YES, YES.

**NOTE:** I'm tempted to start saying we wont update without getting 5 reviews. D:

**srslee peepz, reviewing whether negative or positive is still support. x-x**

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One goffed out Ronald Weasley who vaguely resembled a mime, our sue leaped up being a mime herself she started miming a box around her, like a force field, he mimed a door and opened it coming into her force field to see her, she threw a mime glass at him and he mime cried before getting up and mime hanging himself, he smiled at him causing him to orgasm so violently that the mime hanging branch snapped like a twin causing him to fall to the ground unconscious. Bridgette turned around and walked out of the dormitory heading down towards the great hall to eat breakfast before going to Hogsmede for the day.

When she walked into the great hall causing more moans of pleasure and extascy. She sat down beside Romilda and Lavender and started eating waffles she heard a noise from across at the Slytherin table her sexy magenta eyes met Draco's cold silver ones. He unbuttoned his white shirt and took it off and started drawing all over his chest with maple syrup and rubbing it all over her face, this caused Bridgette to put her porcelain pale legs up on the table and pull off everything but her lingerie, she then dumped a pitcher of pumpkin juice all over her, drenching herself. This caused Ginny to soak her pants in her nasty fish smelling cunt juices. Bridgette stood up her black hair dripping wet, she then walked out of the great hall heading towards Hogsmede to start her day.

She got into her own personal carriage with its own Gary-Stu driver and pink unicorns she got in it and closed the door and they started towards Hogsmede by the time they arrived Bridgette was all goffed out, her driver was Pete Wentz and she had a black horse with like its hair dyed hot pink. She hopped out of the carriage cutting herself on it just to bleed, she flicked her hair back and walked towards the pub when she entered it she went towards the dark corner where all the creepy pedofile's sat and then she saw it, she saw her own brother in a very compromising position with another Slytherin male. Like every other goffik Mary-sue fag hag suddenly she got very turned on, she walked over and tried to join in, this caused the male with her brother to spaz out and push her onto the ground. She got angry and yelled at him

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Why don't you want me, I'm the generic Mary-sue of this fan fiction, every guy is suppose to want me!" She huffed and crossed her arms.

"Oh yes, because every male wants a chick who can't even decide what hair, eye and skin colour she wants. On top of that she dresses like a dirty little tramp hair, a fly buzzing around in her hollow head and cuts herself because its sexy and goffik." The boy was entirely serious when he said this and suddenly she teared up upset by this. . . wait, wait, wait, sorry, she just fell into a pile of onions. Bridgette stood up in her torn up leather skin tight shorts and crappy emo band tee and torn fishnet stockings and trashed shoes and started crying tar all over everything.

Running out of the bar as fast as she could she was so blinded by her tar tears that she couldn't see what was in front of her, and the next thing she knew her stomach was impaled on something, she looked down to see that it was Neville's boner impaling her. This caused her to faint again, and only faint because we all know the generic sue can't die in the middle of the fan fiction she stars in, unless she magically get brought back to life 5 seconds later.

She dreamt of purple happy bunnies having sex with each other, of dementors that could shoot rainbow laser beams, everything seemed perfect until suddenly she heard a dark figure whisper to her in her dream

"Bridgette, come to me" The raspy voice said and the girl did what every other sue would do, she walked towards where the voice was coming

"Who is this?" She asked again stopping at a giant set of wooden doors.

"Come too me, come." The voice whispered again, she opened the doors and walked towards the light when she got to the giant X on the floor that had written on it 'Bridgette stand here' she stopped and looked up to see a dark cloaked figure who spoke again

"You, are they key, for you are. . ." The figure was cut off when he started choking over and over again until suddenly he spit up a hairball. This freaked the sue out and she spun around running away, suddenly her eyes flew open and she jerked up into a sitting position causing a giant earthquake because obviously the entire earth revolves around her and the smallest thing she does causes catastrophic events.

Suddenly she heard a ear splitting shriek and a group of people came rushing into the infirmary, she saw Dumbledore standing there crying like a drunken five year old and Mcgonagall comforting him he screamed out

"IT'S ALL MY FAULT!111!" She then noticed a white sheet over what must have been some ones dead body she then realized that Enoby was standing there crying a river her bloody tears, the girl then turned away unable to take being in a room with a bunch of preps she fled.

In confusion Bridgette stood up and walked over to the bed and grabbed onto the sheet, pulling it down she saw. . .

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To Be Continued.

**READ AND REVIEW. FUCK YOU NEED TO START REVIEWING. Dx**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** _Holy sh-. An 8th chapter? Anyway. No new chapter until we reach at least 16 reviews. I mean, come onnnn. ;;_

**Disclamier:** _aym ttlly goffik n so iz mai bfflz sebby uer nawt prepz so fuk offf!! dun sue us. Nosrsly. Crap belong to their owners - not to us, obviously.  
_

AND ICE CREAM IS THE SHIT.

Ps, Hitler owe Sebby 20 bucks.

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"I see dead people."

The little boy stared back at her when she lifted the sheet with big shiny eyes.

"Really? I do –", Brigdette started as to reply on the big-eyed boy's scared confession.

A boy came into the room and quickly threw the sheet back onto the boy.

"There is no one here", he said quickly.

He didn't want one more annoying crossover. Enough was enough.

Brigette raised her perfect eyebrows and tilted her blue-haired head to the left.

"Yes, there is. There's a little boy under the sheet."

A rustle was made under the sheet, as the little boy tried to remove the sheet from over his head.

"No, there's not", the strange boy said, and pushed down a pillow over the moving creature underneath the fabric.

Brigette blinked, reached out a hand and pointed at them.

"Yes, there is, he's even moving. You're holding him down with a pillow", she said with an upset tone in her voice.

The older boy groaned and pushed down the pillow ever harder with his elbow over the covered little boy's face.

A few minutes later the movements stopped.

"No, there's no one under the sheet. Now move along and stay the fuck away from crossovers", he said panting and dried of a sweat drop from his upper lip.

Staring at the unmoving figure under the sheet, a lot of thoughts were going through the ice blonde girl's head.

"Okay", she said cheerfully, skipping off.

Since she had her own theme song (soon available on CD, ask for a preview on your local record dealer. Ask for Chris and you'll also get a free drug sample), it was that extremely sexy scratch noise when she suddenly stopped and turned around.

Twisting her hair between her fingers, making her look like the bimbo she really was, she gave the stranger a questioning look.

"Wait, what is a crossover?"

The boy stared back in shock horror, the thoughts in his head moved fast.

"Ehhhh.." he started. "When two.. eh.. When two unicorns have sex. I mean. When a unicorn and a bunny love eachother a lot. They.. reproduce? And .. can't you just leave already?"

Brigdette nodded some, shrugged and skipped off.

And if anyone at all wonders what happened with the rest of the people, since apparently the room was filled with other persons before.. well. They all commited suicide. Happy now?

Or the kid ate them. Your choice.

Looking at her magical Hello Kitty watch she skipped down the corridor. It told her that it was 9am, it was a tsunami outside even though the sun was shining though the windows, that Bill Kaulitz needed a haircut and that pink leather skirts was sooo last year.

Making a note in her head to remember that, she cheerfully skipped along until she got stopped by a kid with three legs.

"Have you seen my toad Trevor?", Neville asked shyly.

Even he had an undying love for the pretty blonde girl.

Bridgette would've happily thought back on the night before when she had escaped from the very frightening thought of getting raped by a certain chain-smoking dyke, and slipped on something green, but she was distracted.

"Why do you have a cat down your pants?" she asked and poked the big bulge on his pants. "No seriously, it's big enough to fit a small kitten in there, why do you keep your cat there? I mean, a hand bag would do just fine. Just look at Paris and Nicole Hilton."

The boy flinched, blushed and stumbled backwards.

"That's not a cat", he whined desperately, and tried to thing sad thoughts due to the touching of the very pretty female.

_Fluffy bunnies die, then they rot._

He let out a relieved sigh.

Bridgette wrinkled her eyebrows.

"Maybe you put Trevor in there, let me look", she said helpfully and reached out her hands after the boy's zipper.

A few seconds later the boy was running away at amazing speed, holding his hand over his nose which was dripping with blood.

This didn't bother the blonde girl very much – it happened her all the time.

Asking her Indian spirit for knowledge, she found out that her next class Potion in the dungeon. Yes, she is also native American. Because she's political correct.

Ever since Bridgette had made a time travel, where she had had mindless sex with Lucius Malfoy while Crabbe and Goyle Senior taped it – she knew exactly where the dungeons were.

Skipping happily –since she actually was unable to walk normally and this fact annoyed the crap out of any normal person– she soon stepped into the dark classroom.

Snape looked up and cringed when he saw her.

He had always hated Mary Sues, they always tried to turn him straight for some god damn reason.

She excused herself with her very characteristic German accent.

"Ich bin verry sorry ice bin late, sourkrautzen", she said timidly.

Snape was just supposed to open his mouth to come with a very sarcastic and mean remark, when …

What will happen? Is James Harry's real father or is he actually a goffik vampire? Will Trevor survive the horrible accident? Will Neville accept the offer of staring in a porn movie? Could this any more gay?

Find out in the next chapter of …. Failing Reality.

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**(t.b.c)**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN:**: CHAPTER NINE – ITS ABOUT TIEM. I DO SAY.

**Disclaimer:: **Tare sent mai lawyurz a legal dokumant filing a haet crime gainst hur goffik peeple but she signd eet whar eet saiz dun sign hur.

**PS::** HITLUUUR STILL HASN'T PAID ME BACK.

And for some reason, he's in this chapter.

This chapter was suppose to be longer, but I'm to tired to write it longer, therefore I lied about a long chapter. ._.

ffnet fucked up my formatting. ;_;

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Someone dropped a cauldron all over Bridgette, causing her hair to harden and become as greasy as Snapes hair, making hD8er the most legitimately scene she'd been since the beginning of this fan fiction, Bridgette stormed out of the room.

"NOBODY GETS ME!" The pretty little sue screamed at her goiffk my little pony and she held it tight

"I wish I was back in the 1940's!" She wailed out the walls shaking and glass breaking from her perfectly pitched voice, she cried her perfectly crystalized tears, suddenly as if it were magic her goffik my little pony grew and came to life.

"If that is what you wish" The pony said and in a blast of sparkles and the tears of innocent Jewish still born babies that were buried in the snow in winter of 1945 they were suddenly travelling back in time, until they reached Hogwarts in the 1940's, and because all fan fictions defy total time line logic the first person she saw was one James Potter, Bridgette giggled and called to him.

"JAMSEY-POO, I'M HERE NAO." Just her very voice made James cum violently all over everything, shooting a rainbow wave of his spermatozoa down the corridor and knocking over Lily Evans and Melody Diodorus, who later would be Melody Cheverie and some 50 years later both women would conceive children.

"Oh hey there." James said smiling at Bridgette flashing his goffik vampyre fangs once he'd recovered from his violent orgasm.

"Hey! Where is Professor Hitler?" She questioned her blue skin shimmering in the light causing all the students in the corridor to climax also.

"Oh he's in the room of requirements giving one of his speeches." James replied just as he finished what he said there was a eruption of cheers and applause, Bridgette skipped towards its general direction, stumbling into one of Adolf Hitler's famous black and white speeches to the German public. . . of course, Bridgette was in colour. Her long natural purple wavy locks fluttering in a breeze that wasn't actually there and her eyes shimmering a beautiful shade of goldenrod even though there was no sunlight to cause such a glimmer.

Hitler stopped mid sentence and stared at the Aryan beauty his tight emo skinny jeans suddenly getting a whole lot more tight. Bridgette was the kind of beauty that Adolf would throw Eva Braun into a puddle to keep Bridgette's dainty size 45 feet dry. In a very classy manner our sue suddenly pulled out Dick Cheney's hunting rifle and shot the little girl in the red coat from Shindler's list, who turns out was in fact Draco Malfoy's mother, even if she was attending school at Hogwarts and was probably in her late teens. Yes, that means Draco is a Jew, seeing as back in the 1940's the only way one could become a Jew was if your mother was one, and your mothers mother, and your mothers, mothers mother, and your mothers mother mothers -- You get the point.

"Well that takes care of that." Bridgette said with fucking stars in her eyes, because she's obviously an anime character. Just then out of no where the token Asian appeared in a wave of hello kitty accessories and started screaming at her in fragmented English. Causing the Slytherin girl with bad hair whose bad makeup and drawing, rather lack thereof drawing skills who just screamed fag hag to stand up and squeal.

Making the blonde writer of this fan fiction to flinch and hide behind the poor bastard she's crushing on. And because I'm tired and haven't slept in god knows how many hours this is where I trail off into that conversation. . .

"Lawl, she likes you" I the narrator say mocking the poor son of a bitch, this causing him to vomit in pure disgust at the mere concept of the fact that, his faghag 'friend' wants him to go down on her cunt, because he's gay.

Waiting for him to recover from that I decided it was best I continue on with this fanfiction before I passed out on the key board holding a

button down so that the fanfiction trails off into like:: kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

before I am suddenly awoken by the sound of Albert singing the gorillaz and playing air guitar at 4am with only spider man underpants on.

Which is actually just as appealing as it sounds.

ANYWAY, where was I? Oh yes, Bridgette getting yelled at by an Asian, oh well. That was only so that this fan fiction wasn't racist or anything, stay tuned for some token blacks and stuff later on. And a guest appearance from that Paki girl I think I know, but may have made up when I was tripping on acid. Which is a reminder to everyone reading this fan fiction not to do drugs, or they'll be awake at 7am writing this kind of bullshit too. Then again if we were all writing this kind of bullshit the world would be more humorous rather then just sad. . .

Hitler swooned a little, and came all over his beautiful sue, who was more attractive to him then that bust of Nefertiti he used to write about in his diaries, if she wasn't taking some form of birth control she'd in fact be quite pregnant right now.

Since, I'm so tired I really have no clue what I'm writing about anymore I've decided that I'm going to end it here and let Albert write a chapter, I know I know, I didn't write an extra long chapter like promised, but I haven't slept in like days, leave me alone.

Bridgette wiped the sticky substance off herself and turned around to leave, before she could though she was confronted by. . .

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TBC.

Oh shi-. I finished. D8

Read and Review.


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